Some good, sound advice.

For my personal blog post of 500 words or more, instead of simply writing about something for the sake of writing something, I’m choosing to do anyone who reads this a favor. This favor comes in the form of advice, and that advice should be followed to the absolute letter. Never. Work. At. McDonalds. Are you writing this down? For the sake of your sanity and blood pressure, never join the fabulous team that is the Golden Arches crew. I don’t care what city, state, or country you live in, it doesn’t matter. I know people say they hate their job, but this is a separate manner entirely. McDonalds has an incredibly unique way of sucking the very life and soul out of someone until all that remains is a lifeless, husk-like shell of a human being. Am I over-exaggerating? Maybe. But that isn’t the point. The point is a person should never let themselves become desperate enough to submit their body and soul to such a mind-numbing job. And I can hear your words now: “Why don’t you just quit?” You can’t quit. They won’t let you. If you even mention the possibility of taking your life back into your own hands and leaving they hound and harass you until you simply give-in just to make the buzzing in your ears stop. For those of you who still think I am full of crap, let me break it down for you. I make 7.30 an hour. I’ve been working there for over 6 months and I still get paid less than every single other crew person. They say it is because of my “availability” but that’s bullshit because I work a 40 hour week. I am probably the most competent crew person there and because of that I get saddled with all the jobs that no one else wants to do if not only because I don’t whine and bitch when asked to do them. They take respect and kindness and turn it against you until you hate everything. And it isn’t just your co-workers that suck. No, that would be too much to ask for. If there was one group of people that I could systematically genocide (Yes, I made that word a verb and no, I obviously don’t want to kill anybody, it’s an expression) it would be people who eat at McDonalds. There isn’t any other group of people who are able to find more ways to piss me off than this cracker-jack group of fuckers. For the sake of convenience and ease, I am going to make a list of all their stupid little quirks and mannerisms that find a way to get under my skin.

1. Paying for a one dollar item with a twenty dollar bill. Oh wow! Big spender, huh? Mr. Bigshot in his Honda Civic dropping the Jacksons? Can I get you some caviar with your small french fries, jackass?
2. Asking if I can mix drinks into you own moronic, disgusting concoctions.
3. Going through the drive through and ordering 20 things during a rush. Why the shit are you going through a drive through if you’re just going to have to wait 20 minutes to get your food?
4. Ordering sweet tea. I know this sounds unreasonable, but after making my 60th sweet tea each a day I just can’t take it anymore.
5. Ordering a cheeseburger and asking for no cheese on it. This just in! It’s called a hamburger!
6. Asking for things that aren’t on the menu, or never have been on the menu. This takes a special breed of stupid that is hard to come by. Yes, we have a secret, hidden menu that only an astute person like you is able to order off of. It’s like these people exist to piss me off.
7. Yelling at me because our nuggets are more expensive than Wendy’s nuggets. Does the sign out front say “Now welcoming stupid comments about things that I have no control over”?
8. And finally, the one thing that pisses me off about McDonalds customers more than anything else. Over 90% of the people that come into our store and go through the drive through do this and as a favor to me and everyone else who works at McDonalds, please, STOP DOING THIS. This #1 pet peeve of mine is thinking that I have the uncanny ability to read your fucking mind. When you order a “medium soft drink” or “Snackwrap” or “chicken sandwich” or “ice cream sunday” or “milkshake” in the drive through, I promise you I have no idea which kind you want. I’m not holding a list of your personal favorite menu items and just pretending to not know for the sake of being difficult. We have over 7 types of soft drinks and teas you can get, we have 6 types of snackwraps, we have 5 types of chicken sandwiches, 2 Sunday types, and 3 milkshake types. How, in the name of all that is good and holy, am I supposed to know which one you want? I know at least some of the people reading this have done this in the past, and you should be ashamed. There is something so inherently stupid about ordering a “medium soft drink” or “chicken sandwich” in the drive through that it boggles my mind that people are able to do it.

So, that’s that. If there is anything you should retain from wasting your time in reading this, let it be these two points. One, never work at McDonalds, and two, stop acting like a moron when ordering food.